I Heart My Little A-Holes by Karen Alpert

Book Description from Amazon.com

When your son wakes you up at 3:00 A.M. because he wants to watch Caillou, he’s an a-hole. When your daughter outlines every corner of your living room with a purple crayon, she’s an a-hole. When your rug rats purposely decorate the kitchen ceiling with their smoothies, they’re a-holes. So it’s only natural to want to kill them sometimes. Of course you can’t because you’d go to prison, and then you’d really never get to poop alone again. Plus, there’s that whole loving them more than anything in the whole world thing. Karen Alpert is the writer of the popular blog Baby Sideburns. You may have seen some of her more viral posts like “Ten Things I Really F’ing Want for Mother’s Day,” “Daddy Sticker Chart” and “What NOT to F’ing Buy My Kids this Holiday.” Or you may know her from her Facebook page that has over 130,000 followers. I Heart My Little A-Holes is full of hilarious stories, lists, thoughts and pictures that will make you laugh so hard you’ll wish you were wearing a diaper.

This book was hilarious. Karen Alpert isn't afraid to write all the things that many of us parents are thinking. Us really dark, somewhat messed up parents. But we're like that in a good way because we aren't afraid to own our dark sides and don't walk around saying things like, "I'm so sad my kids are starting school. I want them home with me all day every day." No you don't. Karen and I both know you are lying. That, or you are someone seriously codependent who doesn't know how not to be a mother and feels insanely guilty for God forbid wanting a little time to yourself.

Okay I can keep sharing all the things Karen Alpert and I agree on or I can actually review the book. This book was tears streaming down your cheeks, pee your pants funny. At first I was kind of annoyed that Karen brags about how funny she is in the introduction but by the end of the book I wanted to cut out a little gold medal from yellow construction paper that says "World's Funniest Mom." (If you have read the book you will totally get that reference.)

Now her book is not perfect. She uses the word "f'ing" way too much even for me. She could have left out one or two stories about poopie diapers. And I wish she didn't comment about her spelling as much as she does. (Crap I need spell check and still got supercalifargilisticexpialidocious wrong. Who f'ing cares? I don't f'ing care if you needed spell check to spell a f'ing word. See how that's kind of f'ing annoying to use the adjective f'ing all the time?)

And since I have never read her blog all of the material was new to me. I've seen many reviewers that say they think Karen is hilarious but they paid for a book that they could have read on her blog for free. Not cool. 

Lastly calling Target "Tarjay" bugs the crap out of me but I won't hold that against her.

However, being the kind of person that I am, I found Karen Alpert to be a dark and twisty kindred spirit and was laughing hysterically through most of the book. At the very least I was nodding my head in agreement. And to all the mothers that claim it sounds like Karen doesn't love or want her kids, bullshit. She's just venting. And that probably makes her way more sane than all of us mothers holding in what we really think about parenting. It takes real courage to say what you really think and not care what other mothers think. Because mothers are the most judgmental people on the planet. My rating  

This review is already long enough but Karen does include a list of Book Club Questions that I simply must answer because it just seems fun. 

1. The protagonist is you, Karen. And no one cares that you don't know if that was spelled right. I went over this spelling thing earlier.

2. I call vaginas vajayjays and penises penises. Yeah for some reason I don't give boy parts cutesy names. Passing gas is farts and bowl movements are pooping.

3. Your kids are normal a-holey. Here's an example of my kid being extra a-holey: Right now my 18 month old daughter thinks it is fun to throw everything at your face. She has a good arm too and it hurts. 

4. Are you a good mother? Yes. I had my doubts when you said you played 2 Live Crew and the like in your car with your kids until you explained that you turn the sound off during the bad words like a censor. But as a mother of older children I must warn you. That trick only lasts so long and soon they will be screaming the swear words at the top of their lungs when you turn the sound off. And since you are driving all you can do is put your arm behind you and swat at the air. And they will laugh at you when you do.

5. My favorite part of the book was when you said "If Caillou was a real person I'd gladly go to jail for killing him." 

6. No I have never seriously considered murdering a cartoon character. Because they are cartoons and would just come back to life. Duh!

7. The serious chapter took a lot of guts to admit. However, thank God, I have never experienced anything like that.

8. My favorite photo was Daddy's Sticker Chart. lmao

9. Offended? No. Annoyed? Yes. You don't need to f'ing say f'ing all the f'ing time or comment about your spelling. I'll even let you keep your f'ings if you stop commenting on your damn spelling issues. Nobody cares!

10. Most of the mothers I know would freak if they read this book. They can't handle the truth!

11. Is it wrong to call your kids a-holes not to their faces? I must admit I'm kind of on the fence about this one. But I have referred to my kids as "little shits" many times so I guess it's not really all that different. My book would be called I Heart My Little Shits.